Well here I am on a bit of a sturm and drang. The ennui of being childless and goal- less at almost 50 has fallen upon me.
A crises of being has knocked upon my door and caught me unawares, what's new you may say? Well the encroaching 50th birthday still a year away but visiting me every night as I snuggle down before the rapture of sleep, like the 'lecture of cheetah.' I typed this on the ipad and wrote the the spectre of Banquo but this is how it changed the phrase, it's my new leitmotif ! All of my life, I have felt like a single girl or a gay man much more than a woman of my age - a gay man in the olden days that is, now my eyes run flinty and narrow as I envy them driving their people carriers to the local private school jam packed with their adorable offspring.
Hubs and I have realised that we never grew up. We never knew responsibility and both of us are feeling somewhat consumed by what if's? How did we get here? Where are we going? We don't know but our beaks are digging sand holes in our navels. This is not just about children or lack there of but a deeper immaturity that a certain percentage of our generation have.
See you next week, I promise not to flush my self down the toilet.
*Just wanted to add:
First of all, I'm absolutely fine. I was fine too on Thursday when I wrote this, I'm not depressed or anxious but I am introspective by nature. What has really interested me and touched me are your responses. Each of you interpreted this post so differently and reflected it through the prisms of your own lives and situations. I learned as much about you as you did about me.