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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Redneck Paradise.

Pic: Clay Patrick McBride/Warner

Vroom Vroom!
Pull on your denim mini skirts and  lucite heeled stilettos,  you're all invited to my very own trashcan eden. Pack smokes, beef jerky and brewskies and hold tight;
handbrake turns are not optional, ink carved prison tats are considered an asset today.
What's causing me to burn rubber on the super highway of bad boy excitement? Kid Rock, of course.
Last week, like a pre-Glasnost Muscovite hearing rumours of fresh bread I stood outside a record shop in the cold at 8.55am twitching with excitement over the release of his new album, Rebel Soul.  With my  CD prey finally  in my hands I headed back to  my car and belted along the road with the volume turned up to eleven and my head full of my new life with my bad boy rocker.

It looks a lot like this.
(Let's just gloss over the fact that he lives in a Malibu beach house with a kitchen that would be the envy of Fanny Craddock.)


Pinterest.

Adironadacks, Airstreams and palm trees - these are a few of my favourite things.



Fighting Cock Bourbon - this I have to try, it sounds as if it's the bourbon equivalent of Mad Dog 20/20.

Oink, Edinburgh.
I think that's what they mean by 'in hog heaven'.


The only clothes I would ever need: a pair of Daisy Dukes.


flickr

I name him Cletus Joe Billy Bob.

Trailer Park Boys.

Who wants to play Ricky to my Julian?



There will be a glass of wine from a tin can in it for you, I promise.
Apply within. Don't all rush at once.



82 comments:

  1. Red Neck from the eyes of a Brit? I LOVE THIS!!!!

    Um... I actually love Kid Rock. I mean, really love him.

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  2. DB: Careful, I will fight you for him! You know, with a paper sword.

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  3. Sorry, but you flunked trailer trash 101. Wrong trailer, wrong chairs, but thanks for the laughs. Oh, and it is beer, beer, beer! lol The red wine is for girls.

    Your good taste is showing.

    Sheree

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  4. Sheree - I'm just learning, I need trailer trash 101 notes!

    And I'm laughing, yes you are probably quite right about the Chateau Lafite Rothschild having no place in trailer trash heaven even if it is poured from a tin.

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    Replies
    1. You have to learn the art of cooking using canned cream of mushroom soup and corn flakes as toppings for various casseroles. ;)

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  5. This post is cracking me up! I was born and raised in West Virginia and, as Sheree said above, you'll have to sub-in a double-wide and some cans of Miller Lite for true backwoods accuracy. I've known way too many guys who look and act like Kid Rock to be the least bit attracted to him, but to each her own ;)

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    1. Whitney - a double wide? Must google. I'm not liking it already, can I be posh trailer trash? Please, pretty please?
      Remember I am the historical definition of a redneck!

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    2. Remmber Kid Rick is probably a multi millionaire by now, - he's also a pretender to the Redneck Throne.

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    3. Well, I consider most of the "Real Housewives of Wherever" to be posh trailer trash, so it's definitely an attainable goal, haha!

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    4. Whitney, you'l have to dress me.

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    5. Just google "Three Wolf Moon Sweatshirt" and you're halfway there. Or mosey on down to your local Walmart and pick up the college football tee shirt of your choice. Add jeans and a giant pair of dirty white Nikes and you're GOLDEN.

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  6. You know all of the bloggers who fantasise about kitten heeling round Paris, nibbling on Laduree macarons?

    Yep, I'm not them.

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  7. Whitney : I googled, not bad I can live there, Cletus Joe Billy Bob is nodding in agreement.

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  8. But the beer - just can't.

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    1. Oh, no!!! And you have to watch NFL football! Guess what? The NFL mascot is named Cletus. lol I think Kid Rock loves football.

      Dang!

      Sheree

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    2. Sheree: football? I really haven't thought this out!

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  9. Don't forget to bring your 'pickled pigs feet shoes.' Fortunately, you already have 'big hair.' And yes, you need a double-wide, not an Airstream.

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    1. JW - But I'm in Redneck Paradise remember with a multi millionaire, he's springing for an airstream!

      Off to google pickled pigs feet shoes - I'm afraid very afraid.

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    2. Oh Dear Lord, nooooooooooooooooooooo!
      Remember Kid and I are up in Malibu, we are just walking across to Nobu for dinner, I'm wearing the outfit I just bought from Planet Blue!

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    3. Okay...you get to keep the Airstream. I'll get you a case of Moon Pies and Dr. Pepper as a housewarming gift.

      Heh-heh...pickled pigs feet shoes...watch what you wish for...

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    4. Correction...make that RC Cola, not Dr. Pepper.

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  10. LOL! Double-wide trailers are perfectly nice if you keep them tidy, which most rednecks do not, hence their bad reputation. I do like beer, but I think that Budweiser, Coors, and Miller beers are weak and tasteless and they look like owl piss, so I refuse to drink them. All of the rednecks I've ever known have had a deep and abiding love for corn chips, Mountain Dew, Velveeta, and processed meats, so you should probably find some recipes for Frito Casserole if you want to properly fantasize about your sweet love nest with Kid Rock ;) I've been all over the US and found rednecks living everywhere...it's definitely more about state of mind than geographical location.

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    1. Whitney I am squawking with laughter now.

      No beer not ever- can't. Please don't make me, take the funnel away!

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    2. Whitney--mmmm, Frito casserole, mmmm. That and the Dorito taco from taco bell. So very bad, but so very very good.

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  11. How fun Tabitha,and what a shindig!!I wish I could make it. Sometimes you just have to let your hair down!

    xoxo
    Karena
    2012 Artists Series & Giveaway

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  12. I have heard of Kid Rock, but never listened to his music. I pulled up the YouTube video of Let's Ride off Rebel Soul and was taken back to my youth. I loved Steppenwolf, the Stones, Black Oak Arkansas, Def Leppard, BonJovi, and more recently, Nickelback). I really liked the song, but it's not the same at 56 as it was 40 or even 20 years ago. It's also not the same without a car to listen to it in (watch your speed limit!) But thanks for the memories. Like someone mentioned before, I've known way too many guys who looked like Bob Ritchie and acted like they were God's gift to find him at all attractive. By the way, exchange the whole hog for ribs and I think you would be allowed Boone's Farm Wine by Gallo. It was popular way back when because it was v. inexpensive (and was probably mostly formaldehyde). Southern Comfort would be another option.

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    Replies
    1. Shelley - Have you heard the Rolling Stones new single? It's brilliant.

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    2. Didn't know they had one - it is classic Stones isn't it? Thanks for telling me about it. I've been thinking about joining a gym lately and all this is good workout music! I may actually start buying music again...

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  13. Love TPB (and Julian's constant rum & coke) - the Rush episode was the best! ha ha

    I saw Kid Rock on Diners Drive-ins and Dives with Guy Fieri on the weekend and immediately thought of you - have you tried Kid Rock's beer?

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    Replies
    1. LR_ He has his own beer? Ok, I can get to like beer.

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    2. Say, "Do you think they will make twinkies again?" He'll like that.

      Sheree

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  14. Well, you can't marry him unless you can prove that he's your brother and you have to christen your firstborn 2-headed baby in beer and promise to call it Donnie-Jim Sherrie-Bon Bon!

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    1. Sulky - I am bowing to your genius! His real name is Ritchie so he may well be a Scot and a relation.

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  15. The scary thing is I can see you strolling around with KidRock! There's something about him that is so compelling. I kind of want his new album but I'd have to hide it from my family.

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  16. My goodness, Tabitha, your poor mother !!

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    Replies
    1. I know, her pearls will unknot in revolt.

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    2. And we both know that the world is divided between "have-knots" and "have-nots" !

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  17. This is hilarious! I live a state that still has KKK members and has a NASCAR track, so I am quite familiar with the redneck genre. Most rednecks are seriously the sweetest people you will ever meet. Hands down. They will be fine if you do not drink beer, but must love a good wine cooler or the hard stuff. I can also see you with Kid Rock. I also would hate to see your mother's reaction to you holding his hand!

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    1. Farrah - I love how you're all looking out for me. But Kid and mum would get on well politically.

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    2. Lets find out! I'll go to Nashville with you.

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  18. It is my ambition upon achieving my 85th birthday (many years away happily) to resume cigarette smoking, Camels, and the drinking of cheap gin. I intend to live at the end of a sand road a few miles from a Redneck Riveria beach in a trailer of the very make that you picture. I plan on visiting the beach daily and baking sans sunscreen. I will adopt the habit of rednecks everywhere and play my music on a boom box knowing that everyone within earshot shares my tastes. To add spice it might be Wagner which is as offensive to the redneck ear as an Acme Thunderer whistle. Let's Ride, indeed. I am as a magnet to rednecks. You know, of course, that every last one of them can trace their ancestors by squiggly lines to Perthshire and the west of Ireland. Excellent post. Encouraging.

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    1. Michael you are quite quite the mysterious spiffy character.

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  19. YKYARW The welcome basket with beans, cornbread, pork rinds, corn nuts. microwaveable sausage & biscuits and squeeze Velveeta sauce is en route to your SoCal Silver Palace, along with an extra large helping of that Kid Rock fave mac & cheese. (I actually think you wouldn't mind KR's true home turf, Clarkson, MI.) Have fun with the boytoy, curtainclimbers, porchmonkeys and any stray rugrats. We'll keep this on the QT to lovely mum and preacher husband. If you decide you need stern Scots again, be warned the required tanning bed bronze will take some time to fade - set aside an extra week.

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  20. Tabs, Ricky and Julian are only one province over from me and near where GetFresh is from! I'll be your bubbles!

    Kid Rock brings out your inner Pamela ANderson? Good on you! I have a thing for Chad Kroeger from Nickleback that grosses my husband out! I think your trailer is too fancy! Around here it would be rusted out and 6 old cars in the dooryard!

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    1. WMM and Get Fresh - yes my true colours have been revealed. Mum would love Kid - both uber right wingers!

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    2. LOL WMM, I was just explaining to Tabs some of her fave rednecks are Canucks. Always proud to hail across from "A ****River Runs Through It".

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    3. And I guess Barbabelle and I dissed her fantasy owning up that the Kid is from and mainly lives in a sleepy/ charming little MI town.

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    4. OMG, WMM I also like Chad Kroeger which seriously makes me question my own taste. I don't know what it is, but I agree with Barry it's revolting!
      Kid Rock grew up not too far from me, I was on the other side of the border but most of my family has those Michigan roots.
      Tabs you've got us revealing our inner rednecks!

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  21. I saw Kid Rock perform last week. His southern rebel image is kind of funny b/c he is from & lives about as far north as you can get in this awesome country. He's had a busy year shilling for Mittens, thankfully he's much better at music.

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    1. yes he has groomed himself into a different persona over the last few years - he shares my fantasy!

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  22. BTW, TPB is 100% East Coast Canadian "redneck," where we drink rum & coke on the rocks and they're called Muskoka chairs. But sure Julian, Ricky and Bubbles will be chuffed to be moving up.

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    Replies
    1. Bubbles was great fun, rounding up the carts all day, that's dedication to the environment.

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  23. Tabs, think your mum would first tell trailer boyfriend to "clean up and get a haircut" same as right now.

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  24. Is this the only way to get to Malibu.

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    Replies
    1. One of my best chums has a holiday house there, it's mine on a very long rotation.

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  25. you make me laugh and just crack me up with the line "her pearls will unknot in revolt"

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  26. I have the 'Honky Tonk Woman' duet he did with Jerry Lee Lewis on my iPod. Rockin.

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  27. OK, we've finally found something where we part ways. I listen to Leonard Cohen on an up day. Listened to the soundtrack from Les Miserables while painting today. I like really depressing music I guess. Landslide is one of my favorite songs. We did used to live on the beach in Malibu though....

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    1. Kathy, Landslide is my favorite song ever. Definitely differs from the KidRock!

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    3. I find myself drawn to burly Scottish men, who might sit around in a pub all day. Your version of Kid Rock? I think the American redneck type is too familiar for me to fantasize about.

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  28. I'm a fan of Kid Rock and oh the bourbon, too. I can't do much with anything else.

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  29. Tabs,
    This post cracked me up. I like Kid Rock. You'd love California. We've got tons of Kid Rock wannabes here and many authentic Red-necks, but you probably knew that already!
    xo
    Kim

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  30. Dude, my jaw is still rolling about the floor.
    For reals? SHizzle!

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  31. You're in luck - there are a surprising number of "mobile" home parks in Malibu. (Just where are all these double-wides going, anyway?) Posh trailer trash indeed!

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  32. I used to love Kid Rock!! Must check out his new album!

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  33. Unless you've got a brown plaid Herculon sofa on the front porch - one leg propped up by a broken cinderblock - and an old ammo box from 'Nam as your cooler sitting next to it, full of Pabst. . .you kaan't call yooself no Redneck. And if you're going to commit to Daisy Dukes, you have to be able to drive a manual shift muscle car barefoot AND do a hand-brake turn like Batman, too. Then crack your gum, wink and floor it outta there. It's not easy being Trailer Trash.
    Queen of the Clean Up Parade

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  34. OMG Kid Rock! Now I've heard everything! I don't actually really know what tunes he sings. All I remember is that he had hitched his trailer to Pammy Andersen's at some point...

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  35. Hahahahah....I love it!! He's from the same place as me, hahahahahah! Hilarious! Hog heaven, just means bliss, happiness...like a pig in mug, haha!! Us country folk say some crazy things ;) Some call their bikes hogs as well, not sure where that came from!! Love that you were there to get the cd, bless you :) xx

    La Femme Nouvelle

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  36. Mmmmmm 'bit of rough' ok at times!! Ida

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  37. Tabitha, in an effort to truly prepare yourself for this love match, you need to go check this out. (Great Mobile Homes of Mississippi). Now, Dr. Bukk claims that Mississippi is the trailer trash capital of the US, but I don't agree. There are plenty of other states that can give them a run for their money, North and South, but you can't marry a redneck until you Google your way on over and check this out. Be forewarned, you don't want any coffee (or bourbon) in your mouth as it might end up on your computer screen. Oh, and rednecks like a good 'chaw'. That's redneckese for chewing tobacco, and they spit it where and when they please. That includes out the windows of their trucks and on the curb at the shopping center before they go get their month's supply of vienna sausage from the Winn Dixie. Pigs in the Blanket = Redneck Nirvana.

    Elizabeth

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  38. If you do decide to do further research, be sure to click on the second category called 'other' as it has some of the more creative trailers from around the country. It's amazing how far the human imagination can stretch.

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  39. Absolutely love Kid Rock! The new CD is one its way to me right now, as a matter of fact. :)

    It's been more than 20 years since I've heard or thought of Mad Dog 20/20. Have you tried it Tabs?

    No Daisy Dukes for me, although I did religiously watch the Dukes of Hazzard when I was a girl. Bo Duke was another crush of mine back then, along with John Boy Walton, of course. ;)

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  40. I like Daisy Dukes... trailers or not. Sign me up....

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  41. I'm a big fan of Kid Rock, especially in recent years when he's shown himself to be a lot more than a cocky hard rocker! ;o)

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  42. Next time I go back to Texas, you need to come with me. I'll bring you to the Silver Fox, the greatest bar of all time. And we'll hang out at the Farm, go swimming in the creek, and go off roading in a golf cart (the best way to go off roading).

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  43. Some other great red neck music, well a parody of red neck music, is the Doyle and Debbie show. I saw them perform here in Nashville, and they're hysterical! Their music is now on iTunes. You just can't beat Fat Women in Trailers or Stock Car Love. Oh yeah, and When You're Screwing Other Women (Think of Me).

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  44. Tabs, you've left me speechless for days. Who'd thunk you might enjoy my collection of twangy music and cowboy boots.

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  45. Haha. You are so not going to even see this comment (since it has been a few days since you published this post), but this is the life that many of my relations lead here in the good ole EWWW ESSS of AAAAAY!

    It has me laughing because it would be a la me writing that I am enamored with the life of Vicky (http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/7/74/Little_britain_vicky_450x350.jpg).

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